Cleaning Out my Closet
by lucy sinclair
Summary: Various itty bitty one shots that are stuck in my head and need to get out. And since Ive been slow on getting my real one shots and stories out there- I thought I'd share these if anyone is interested. So here.
1. Razbliuto

**_Razbliuto_: The empty feeling you have for someone you once loved, but are no longer with**

You're still mine.

No matter what.

I don't care what happened, you'll always be mine.

God I sound creepy. But I couldn't keep the throbbing in my chest at bay when he was so close to me.

This was sick.

I acted like I didn't care. I pretended that it didn't bother me. Feigned that everything was fine.

But it wasn't.

It was all fucking wrong.

He was sitting two tables away from me, eating his large lunch his mother always packed him. Of course he wouldn't be able to finish it. The amount was too much for his skinny body. And all that coffee he drank would fill him up in no time.

It had been two weeks since we broke up. And I was fucking miserable. And the thing was- I wasn't angry or depressed. Yeah the anger was there. The sadness was there. But above all; emptiness. A void made from something part of me- a big part of me- was just gone.

I wasn't broken or anything like that.

I did not feel broken.

I was just- felt-

Incomplete.

I loved him.

I do love him.

I know I do.

I love him more that anything I've ever had- anything that I ever will.

He means more to me than anyone ever did. I'm not ashamed to say so. Tweek Tweak was the one I loved most. He was my priority in my life and everything I did was done with him in mind.

And yet the reason we broke up was because apparently I didn't love him properly.

What was proper?

How can you even tell?

What did that even mean?

Perhaps I should've asked these questions instead of yelling. I should've tried to understand what was going on in his head instead of saying those horrible things to him. And before either of us could get our points across, all I remember was telling him to get the fuck out of my life. I don't remember who suggested the break up. I don't think I would ever tell him that- but I say stupid things when I'm angry. And he says stupid things when he's being paranoid.

He's not perfect.

Far from it.

He's too paranoid. Too skinny. Too timid. Too stubborn. Too unstable.

But I still loved those things about him. Even when they were directed at me.

I'm not perfect either.

I'm too stoic. Too angry. Too cynical. Too lethargic. Too mean.

He was fire and I was ice. Hot and cold always stirred something catastrophic.

And we were catastrophic.

It was a disaster; he and I.

We bickered all the time.

But then- we- or at least I- adored him all the time.

We were at each other's throats, then we were kissing.

We'd be fighting, then we'd be fucking.

I find myself grabbing him then caressing him. He'd be pushing me away, then pulling me closer.

We were destructive.

Combustible.

Poison.

But now that we were no more- there was nothing but coldness.

The fire, the heat- it was gone.

The waters were still and it was a dead still.

Lifeless.

Watching him sitting there wasn't helping me either. I got up without being noticed and just walked off. I needed to be away from the normalcy of it all. It made no sense that the world around me remained the same when something was definitely missing.

I made it to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. The cold shook my veins a little, but not a lot.

That didn't work.

I promised Tweek I'd cut back on smoking. But that seemed pointless now that we weren't together anymore. I checked my pocket for my pack and lighter and sure enough- old habits die hard. I went to the door but was stopped.

I think my lungs collapsed.

"Tweek." He looked up at me blankly.

"Oh- hey Craig." He gave me a half smile before returning to a frown. Other than annoyed, he looked fine.

Guess I was the only one broken up about it.

Ouch.

"Uh- how are you?"

Good line stupid.

"Awful," My chest tightened, " I got mustard on my shirt and it's definitely going to stain." Oh.

Ok then.

"I see."

"Going to smoke?" He asked looking at my pack.

"Yeah."

"Kay."

"Well I'll let you get to it." I said, kicking the ground and stepping aside. He moved past me and went right to the sink. I stalked out of the restroom.

He looked fine.

That's awesome.

No really. That was fucking great. A year an a two months and he's completely fine with not being in my life anymore. That was cool. I didn't want to fucking leave any kind of impact on his life anyway. So what if he's fine. Would it make a difference if he wasn't? If he was empty like me? It didn't. It wouldn't fix things. It wouldn't mean us getting back together.

It didn't mean a god damned thing.

I didn't mean a god damned thing.

My heel turned and I was headed back toward the bathroom in a rage.

Broken up for a week and all he had to say was how pissed he was that he got food on his fucking shirt? A shirt that was mine. A shirt that he took and probably forgot. Fuck him.

I'll let him know what was fucking awful.

"Tweek, calm down. It's just his shirt- it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. So what if it's stained? It's just his shirt. Oh Jesus Christ- why did I wear this!" I stopped at the sound of Tweek muttering to himself frantically. I pressed myself to the side of the door and listened. His breathing was shaky and uneven, "He didn't even remember that it was his. He doesn't even care that you were wearing it- he- he doesn't even care."

Soft crying.

Tweek was crying.

"Oh god." I head a thud along with another shaky cry.

The fire in me died.

Tweek was fucking crying.

Over me.

And you know what?

That didn't make me feel any better at all.

All I wanted was to make him stop.

But his soft voice kept going with all the trembling and crying.

I couldn't listen to that anymore.

So I took off.

Far away from it all.

I finally went to the smoking ally and lit one up. I leaned against the wall and looked up at the sky.

Not a cloud in the sky.

It was boring and empty.

Like me.

Especially empty.

Empty.

Fuck.


	2. Mamihlapinatapai

**_mamihlapinatapai_:** Two people looking at each other each hoping the other will do what both desire but neither is willing to do

"Dude I can't believe our fucking luck." Stan banged his fists down on our car. The tire on it was practically flat and he was having a tantrum.

"Calm down. We prepared for this. I'll get the spare tire and you get the jack. We'll be back on the road in no time." Of course I was the voice of reason for him. As super best friends since kindergarten, Stan and I have always had this arrangement. He was the passionate and creative one. I was the logical and smart one. It was an arrangement that worked out great over the years. And despite that one experimental make out when we were sophomores, he was like my brother.

Went to the trunk and pulled out the spare tire we knew we'd probably need going on that ridiculous road trip for senior spring break.

"Uh- Ky?"

Oh shit.

I knew that voice.

"What did you do?" I asked knowing his guilty voice off the bat.

"Uh- didn't you say you packed the jack?"

Fuck.

"No. Actually when I wrote up the list of things we needed, I remember placing the car jack on your list since your father actually works on his own car." My dad was a fucking lawyer. He didn't know jack shit about cars so didn't even own a jack. And Stan's dad had several.

"Well- funny thing. I mean- you're going to laugh-"

"Stanley!" He was stalling and I already knew.

"I forgot the jack."

How did I fucking know!

"Stan!"

"I'm sorry!"

"We're in the middle of no where! The sun is going down and we have a flat!"

"It's not like knew this would happen!"

"It's not a matter of knowing! It's about being prepared you R-Tard!" I placed my hand on my head to calm down, "Ok- what's done is done. Nothing we can do about it now." I loved Stan, but he was an airhead, " Let's figure out what we can do about this."

"Maybe someone will pass by with a jack."

Like I said- Airhead.

"Stan. Again- we are in the middle of no where. No one is going to-" "You guys need some help?"

We both looked over at the old el camino that just pulled up.

"Holy shit dude- yes please! Do you guys happen to have a jack?" Stan sighed

"Yeah- rule number one of being on the road. Spare tires and a jack. Yours break or something?

"Uh- yeah."

"Bummer, hey Craig- rip your mouth off of Tweek for a sec and help me help these guys."

"Fuck off." A nasally voice called out from the back. The car door opened as everyone cluttered around our van. I stood there stupidly with the spare tire. Because right there- _right there_- was probably the hottest guy I've ever seen. Golden blond hair, crystallized blue eyes, and a body that was defiantly hitting the gym. Oh Jehovah, sweet father Abraham. I needed to fucking know this guy. But I was completely struck dumb as I just stared and did nothing else!

Mr. hottie took the tire from me, eyes looking into mine. A smile spread over his face. That had to be the sexiest smirk I've ever seen on anyone.

"Hurry Kenny, I want to get to that hotel." His friend with black hair and the nasally voice called out to him. So his name was Kenny?

"Y-yeah man! I'm not staying on the road at night! Hills have Eyes man!" I glanced up where a platinum blond was leaning out of the car window, lips all swollen with a small red bite mark on the side of his neck.

"Calm your tits guys, I'll be a minute." Kenny called back, eyes still staring at me, looking up and down. I normally didn't like getting checked out like that, but it was ok if he did it. I watched as he placed the new tire on in no time at all. We kept looking at each other, I think it was pretty clear what was going through our heads. But he didn't even strike up some small talk. Though I couldn't blame him entirely, neither did I. All I could do was look in that sea of blue.

"Thanks dudes, we owe you one!" Stan thanked them and helped Kenny up. Kenny shook Stan's hand and kept stealing glances at me.

"No problem. Lucky we passed by. We're on our way to the motel 6 about eight miles down. Going to stay there tonight." He said to Stan but staring at me. I bit the side of my lip, making his brows quirk.

"O-k," Stan looked confused, "Thanks again."

"Hurry up Ken. The sun is going down and Tweek is starting to spazz."

"I am not!"

Kenny looked back to his road mates who were already back in the car. He nodded toward them and nodded at us before going back in his car. With one last eye lock- he drove away.

"See Ky? Everything worked out."

"Yeah." I finally found my voice with him gone.

"Let's get back on the road. Should we stop somewhere for the night?" I watched the el Camino get smaller and smaller down the road as I got n and fastened my seat belt.

"Yeah- let's check out that motel 6."


	3. Forelske Seg

**[[It's terrible and I'm sorry but I was working on it all day and I did say the stories I put on here wouldn't be of real quality so- here?]]**

"Tweek wait!" I called after him. But Tweek didn't wait. He continued sprinting down the busy main street.

Fuck man.

I went after him as fast I could. Tweek may be skinny, but he was fast. I scanned the crowd and saw the tuffs of his blond unruly hair. I took off in that direction.

"God damn it Tweek! Would you wait a minute!" He wouldn't. But thankfully his stamina was shit. In a few more seconds I managed to reach out and grip his baggy shirt. With that, I came to a stop and kept my hold on it. Tweek tried to keep going but of course didn't get very far with his shirt yanking him back. He shot backward from the force and landed in my arms. I encased him in my grip and dragged him to the small park area.

"Let go man! I- I don't want to do this anymore! This was a mistake!" I winced at his words. They hit harder than I thought they would.

"Dude- I get that this hasn't been the best date-" Yeah you heard right. I was on a date with my best friend. Fuck off, "But-"

"It- it's a sign Craig! W-we aren't meant to be!"

Ouch.

Though I have to admit with all that happened on this disaster of a date that I didn't blame him for seeing it as a sign. This whole date was a spur of a moment on my part anyway. What else was I suppose to suggest when Tweek confessed to me though?

* * *

It happened yesterday. Tweek and I were at a club thanks to a couple of fake Ids McCormick fashioned for me. I was sitting on one of the large white couches, enjoying a drag with Tweek sitting next to me. He'd been acting weird lately and I thought he just needed some change of pace so took him to a club with me. Naturally with the music pounding from the speakers, lots of people were dancing. I was hoping to get Tweek to dance with someone. After all a lot of the times a little social interaction with the opposite sex was good for some people. But all Tweek wanted to do was sit down with me. The poor thing wouldn't remove himself from my side. Which was cool- I wasn't one for dancing anyway. They had cheep booze here and that was the way I unwounded.

Well it so happened we ran into Red there. Red had been coming on to me lately and I went with it. Why not? Though when Red asked me to dance I declined at first. I came to the club to get Tweek to relax. I wasn't the type to ditch my friends for a set of tits. But Red was with some of her friends and one of them took Tweek to dance. So I agreed after. Again- why not? But I kept an eye on Tweek and noticed him walking hastily out of the club. I left Red and went after him.

And he was crying.

Fucking crying.

I was no good at comforting but it was Tweek. So I tried my best. I tried finding out was wrong- seeing if he needed to talk.

But he kept crying no matter what I said.

I pried and pried until I finally gave up and hugged him. He cried in my chest and finally admitted why he'd been upset.

He shakily told me that he thought he was gay.

Which made me feel like an ass because- dancing with girls was practically the worst thing I could've made him do.

I tried my best to be some support. I had no idea what I was doing so I just kept hugging him and patting his head- hoping that was what he needed. Then he let it slip.

He told me he was in love with me.

And- well fuck- how was I supposed to know how to take that? I was a little put off of course. But it probably would've been the same if he was a girl. Maybe not. I don't know. I've never had anyone tell me that before nor had I had those feelings.

He was my best friend and he was in love with me. And he was a guy. And I was a guy. What was I supposed to do with that?

Out of everyone- I liked Tweek the most. I didn't want to hurt him but I didn't know if I could return those feelings. But then again the idea didn't repulse me. I just never really thought about it. I was a bit confused how to react.

He began panicking when I stepped away from him though.

The conversation was all over the place after that.

He denied it and apologized and tried acting like it was a joke. I knew better of course.

In the end I decided that since I didn't like anyone else and I wasn't completely weirded out by the possibility of being with another guy- I'd go out on a date with Tweek.

Just to see.

Who knew what would happen?

I wasn't sure if I could be romantic or anything like that because that wasn't my thing.

But- why not?

I liked Tweek alright.

What was the harm?

Though it turns out it was a bit of a disaster. I tried to treat the outing like a date. Took him to the movies and main street.

Cliché movie date; it should've gone fine.

It didn't.

It was so awkward when we fist met up in front of the theatre. I wasn't sure why, but we couldn't talk to each other. And we never had that problem before. So we just went inside. During the movie he dropped the soda on the floor and doused our shoes in root beer. He fell down the stairs when we left because the theatre was still dark- I guess the lights were broken. So the movie didn't quite turn out great. I got us some ice cream to try to make up for it. Some of his chocolate ice cream splattered on his shirt. When I tried to help him clean it off, some old lady started bitching at us about homosexuality being an abomination. Tweek was in near tears, so I flipped her off and pulled him away. Then when we went walking around main street to forget about the tongue lashing. It got a little better. Talking was sort of coming easier. We had fun looking at the different stuff on display. He got so comfortable that he tried holding my hand this time, then we ran into Red. That sort of fucked things up. She started flirting with me pretty bluntly, and I humored her for a little while because she was still sort of my friend I guess. I didn't flirt back or anything- but thinking back I probably should've shooed her away. Because before she left with her friends, she stole a kiss from me on the lips quickly then left giggling. It was then that Tweek took off.

* * *

And well- here we were. It probably wasn't the worst date in history- but it wasn't exactly one that set any sparks. He was kind of clumsy throughout the whole thing and I was a bit of an awkward unemotional asshole.

"Look Tweek- Red likes me but-"

"T-then you should've gone out with her man! W-why would you ask me out on a date if you didn't even like me! Why would you do that, Craig? That- that's just cruel." He broke out of my grasp and spun around to face me, his eyes glazed over with a thin sheet of water.

Oh god- not again.

"I don't like her! I went out a few times with her but I-"

"I don't want to be some kind of pity date Craig! I told you that you didn't have to do anything about what I said!"

"Tweek-"

"I really love you ok!"

" I know Tweek- that's why I'm trying to-"

"No! The only thing worse than the person you l-love not loving you back is p-pretending to! If- if it isn't real then- then I don't want it!"

"Would you let me fucking finish!" I screamed and grabbed his face. Tears erupted from his face and knotted my stomach. Fuck- why did it bug me so much when he cried? He looked at me angrily from his ice blue eyes. He held my wrists and still wiggled, trying to get away.

God this kid.

"No!" He cried angrily. Intimidated, yes, but not afraid. I narrowed my eyes and stared into his. I narrowed my eyes more and leaned in closer.

"I don't love you ok?" He winced, "What I mean is- I'm not in love with you. And maybe I don't exactly like you like that either, I admit that."

"Then why-"

"But I asked you out on a date because I think I could." His lips snapped shut. It was true, "you know me better than anyone else, would I really fuck around with you like that? I'd never do that- not to anyone- and especially not to you. So I don't love you yet- so what! I don't love anyone. Fuck- I don't think I know how! But the point is I can see myself loving you. I asked you out because I thought I'd give it a shot. If it works out then it works out. And if it doesn't- then it just doesn't. How can we know if we don't try?" Tweek's tears streamed steadily out the corner of his eyes.

"I- I don't want to lose you Craig. If - if try and it fails- you- you won't want to talk to me again! I'll lose my friendship with you! I can't lose y-you! I c-can't!"

"You won't, damn it! You won't!" I pushed the tears away with my thumb. He sniffed and used his sleeve to wipe his cheeks, "I promise ok. I'll always be there for you. I'll always be your friend no matter what happens. I care about you Tweek. Id never hurt you." Tweek sniffed again. He lifted his head, squeezed my wrists, and his glossy eyes looked right into mine.

"Gay." He cracked a grin through his red puffy eyes. It took a while to process. But the more I saw that lame pumpkin grin, the clearer it became that Tweek wasn't upset anymore.

"You're the gay one queermo." I spat with a smile. The heavy mood from before felt lifted.

"Shut up." He smiled back then sighed, "I hate crying." He wiggled away from my grasp, " I- I'm sorry. I- I've been acting stupid."

"Yeah. Really stupid." I snorted as he punched me. I laughed and rubbed my arm. Things felt a little back to normal, "It's ok though. It's you, Tweek." He laughed with me this time. I smiled feeling glad I got him to smile again. Tweek always looked best with a smile on his face.

"This has been a terrible date, huh?" He sat down on a table bench.

"Nah, I think as far as first dates go- it could've been worse."

"Thanks." Tweek rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue. I joined him and looked up at the setting sun.

"Hey Tweek."

"Hmm?"

"I didn't ask you yesterday- but- why me?" I thought it was a valid question. Sure I was his friend- but there were a lot of guys that Tweek could've picked to love. Why me? Tweek's cheeks ignited with a pink tint.

"I d-don't know?" He adjusted himself and kept his eyes at the setting sun too, " I- I guess it- it's because you- you're you."

I'm me.

Sounded like a cop out answer. But then again- that made sense. At least to me. After all my fondness for Tweek wasn't just that he was smart, funny, spunky, spazzy, and that he stood up to me no matter what I did. Different people shared those characteristics as well. I guess you could say it was the fact it was Tweek that had those characteristics made them much more appealing than if someone else had them.

"Oh? Sure it's not because I'm hot?" I joked. Tweek yelped and bumped me with his shoulder. I laughed smugly at him. His teeth snagged his bottom lip as he flicked his eyes toward me.

"A l-little, maybe." He muttered so lowly I'm a bit surprised I heard him.

Oh wow.

My ego- look at it sky rocket. It was actually nice hearing Tweek say that. Tweek was good looking too. And- I don't know- I guess it was always worth hearing more when someone who was also good looking said you were good looking. Call me shallow- but it was worth more to me.

"Don't worry Tweek, you're hot too." I snickered while rubbing my hand all up in his hair, messing it up the best I could.

"Craig!" He groaned turning my way. I studied his face. His soft features with those big blue eyes and plump lips, "C-Craig?" He asked this time. I was staring. For a while too. I knew it. But- this was a date still, right? So it would be ok if I kissed him, right? If he was in love with me, then he'd want to kiss me. Wouldn't he? I kept my hand tangled in the top tuffs of his hair as I leaned in. I placed my lips on his. I was a little surprised when Tweek reacted immediately and kissed back. I turned my head to the side more to give our kiss a little more force. A small noise escaped from his throat and spoke right to my core. My tongue ventured out on its own and pushed right into his mouth. His tongue slid over mine and entered my mouth since it was open and pressed seamlessly wo his.

The kissing was sloppy, no denying that, but I don't think I've ever enjoyed a kiss more. We pulled away simultaneously, Tweek placing a hand to his mouth delicately right as he went back to his personal bubble. I slowly let his hair go and licked my lips. My taste buds caught some of his taste lingering on my lips. It was good.

"Uh-" Words couldn't come. Nervousness came out of no where and made me feel very coy. Which was ridiculous. I was never nervous.

"Y-yeah." Tweek answered while averting his gaze. A lame nervous chuckle came out from my throat. I swung my legs out and jumped off the table we were on. I turned my body to face his.

"Do you want to- uh- go back to my place?" Tweek snapped his head in my direction. His eyes went wider than normal. I immediately caught on how that sounded, "We can play Xbox or something." I added in quickly.

"O-oh! Ha ha, right. Yeah. Cool." Tweek jumped down too and stumbled over his own feet for the umpteenth time today. I reached out to steady him by grabbing his arms. He caught the lapels in my jacket to catch himself too. He looked back up at me slowly, face burning bright. My own face was probably red. I could feel it. We stared at each other like we were in some kind of trance. I wanted to kiss him again. But the know in my stomach refused to let me.

I couldn't believe how shy I was acting. Since when did I become some kind of lamb? I dropped my hands to his waist and yanked him forward, confidently and unafraid like the real me was. He gasped. He stepped forward forcibly from the move. Our chests pressed. I could feel the ramming in his heart and the slight trembling he was doing.

I didn't feel nervous anymore- but mine was also beating quite fast.

Wait- I think I get it.

"Hey Tweek." I had an epiphany.

"Y-yeah?" His eyes became half lidded to some kind of bed room eyes I didn't know Tweek was capable of giving. I liked them a lot.

"I think," I paused to get closer, so close I could feel our breaths mixing.

"Y-yeah?" He asked when I took too long looking at him, his hands slowly wrapped around my neck. I leaned down and took his lips again.

"I'm starting to get a crush on you."


	4. Last Words

"Kenny!" Kyle's scream echoed into the dark street. Kyle stared in horror as the blond laughed, a drop of blood leaking out the corner of his mouth. Kenny, so strong and vibrant, suddenly went cold and still. Despite his bloody grin he suddenly felt like a machine that's motor has suddenly ran out. And in a very disturbing way- that was what was happening, "No, please." Tears ran down Kyle's cheeks suddenly and without any of the usual sniffling or breaking of the voice. They just rained down. Kenny was the one dying yet, he couldn't help but thinking that was the saddest thing he'd ever seen. Those emerald green eyes looking so glossy and sad. It near broke his heart.

"N-no crying Ky. Cartman will make fun of you." Kenny laughed softly, legs giving out and crumbling. He went down and took Kyle, who was clutching him, with him.

"No! Kenny, hang on! I'll- I'll call an ambulance." Kyle held Kenny tightly as if the tighter he held on, the tighter Kenny would cling to life. Kenny kept a weak hold on the red head, "That bastard. This is all my fault! I'm so sorry Kenny! I'm sorry!" Kenny shook his head. It didn't really hurt to die, not like this. He's been stabbed before.

"Don't bother. I'm going Kyle." Kenny knew he sounded cryptic, but it wasn't like he'd be gone forever. And it wasn't as though Kyle would remember.

He never did.

No one did.

And as sick as it was- it was always nice to see someone's reaction when he died. He admitted he liked Kyle's reactions the best. Kyle, proud and strong Kyle, was always reduced to tears whenever Kenny died around him. Kenny liked getting that reaction from him. It made him feel really loved, even if it was platonic. It was still nice.

Yeah it was a little messed up.

But then so is being immortal.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" Kyle chanted while hugging Kenny close. The blond wished he was strong enough to hang on too. Hug that beautiful boy clinging on to him. But it was getting to the point where that familiar blurring of his vision was taking over his sight. Soon he would be going.

"Shh. Enough." Kenny hushed softly. He used the last of his strength to wipe Kyle's tears away. If there was one person Kenny McCormick would die for a thousand times and more- it was Kyle Broflovski; his best friend and the boy he was secretly in love with.

Besides- it was no big deal. Stepping in front of that knife when that stupid mugger tried stabbing Kyle was really no big feat. Better him than Kyle. Kenny would wake up the next day in his bed. Kyle wouldn't come back. And life without Kyle would be worse than any of the deaths he's experienced.

"Ken." Kyle whispered utterly distraught.

"Kyle," Kenny felt himself slipping, he could barely feel warm blood soaking through his clothes even though there was so much that it was painting the cold pavement. "-" Kyle leaned closer to Kenny's face.

"W-what?" Another tear streamed down his face as he struggled to hear his friend's last words. He heard the last feeble words of Kenny McCormick. And even though he couldn't understand what they meant- he got the gist. As Kenny's beautiful blue eyes fluttered closed for the last time, he cupped his face and leaned down.

Kyle kissed Kenny.

"I love you." Kyle finally admitted even though there was no way Kenny cold hear him anymore. And there would be no way he'd ever know now. He hated that he kept it a secret for so long. That it was shared like this.

Kenny was dead.

Kyle cried.

Kenny's last words ringing in his head.

"_I'd have done it even if I couldn't come back." _


End file.
